Rodney Dangerfield oneliners

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.



I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.




I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.



I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.



I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.



I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.



I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.



I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.